|
 Couples'
Communication
by Dr. Alexander R. Lees
I
have a very interesting "job" and still get a kick out of going
to work every day. One of the things that make it so interesting
is people's diversity and their uniqueness. Each is an individual
and at the same time, many share the same "problems." And sometimes
these problems come in bunches or waves. For a period of time
my clients will be individuals seeking to deal with certain
issues in their lives. Then it's if a switch is flipped and
the clients appearing in my office are teenagers or couples.
Lately, it's been mostly couples and the common thread for all
of them when presenting why they've come to see me is "we're
not communicating."
Upon further discussion the "we're not communicating" turns
out be different for each couple. This is where the "interesting"
part of my job lies. No two couples seem to not communicate
in the same way. So I get to try out a variety of different
and fun ways of helping them so they do communicate
with each other. Some couples have totally different reasons
for being frustrated with each other and sometimes it boils
down to the following.
If the world would just see things my way, everything
would be fine. The problems begin when both husband and wife
know they, as an individual, are absolutely right, and both
as individuals, wants only the other to change. These
types of situations take a bit of time to resolve and I'll write
about them in another edition of Reflections. Today I'd like
to focus on a short and sweet intervention so you can see that
sometimes "therapy" is quite quick and easy.
"John"
being a pilot on international routes, was understandably away
from home for long periods of time. This meant that "Nicole"
had to deal with the everyday family life of raising two children
and all that entailed, on her own. Nicole seemed quite resentful
and started to list the multiple levels of frustration and discontent
she was feeling. She then summed it all up with one statement
and I thought to myself: Sounds like we've arrived at a core
issue, and rather quickly I might add. This is great 'cause
we can get to work immediately.
Nicole had said, "John doesn't say he loves me and therefore
I feel he doesn't appreciate me and all the work and effort
I put into our relationship." She said this with a very sad
look on her face and sounded dejected.
At
the same time as I was listening to Nicole's narrative, some
of my remaining grey cells were attuned to any signals from
John.
Because they both had a tendency to talk at the same, I had
told them the pen in my hand was a microphone, and only one
at a time could use it. I now held the pen before John as I
said, "John, your wife just said you don't say 'I love you.'
Your non verbal reaction suggested you disagree, am I reading
it correctly?"
"I
say that a lot," he said, "and I don't understand why she's
not hearing me."
As he said this, Nicole was transmitting something akin to "What
a crock!"
"Okay,"
I said to Nicole as I swung the mic in her direction, "You state
your husband doesn't say the words 'I love you.' He says he
does. I'm really confused here. Can you help me out?"
After a short pause, Nicole said, "Well, he doesn't hug me when
he says it."
I quickly swung the mic to John and asked, "What prevents you
from hugging her when you say those words?"
John's reply was, "I didn't know that was part of it - she has
said on many occasions you don't say you love me, and appreciate
me - I didn't know that I was supposed to hug her as I said
it."
John's manner was such that I believed him, but I certainly
didn't want that transmitted because it might come across that
I was taking John's side in this impasse between them. So, I
turned to Nicole, complete with microphone, and said, "How many
times, in your estimation, have you told him you would like,
or you need, a hug to confirm these words as true?"
"I
was raised in a French Canadian home," Nicole replied, "and
that's what people do when they are sincere."
Rather than get into a long debate as to whether or not
all French Canadian families do 'X' or whether or not this
should or should not be the norm, I simply decided to do the
following. "John, whether you did, or did not, know that you
are expected to hug Nicole when you say that, and regardless
of anything else, do you think it possible that you could offer
those words as you hug her?"
"Yes!
Of course!" said John.
Summary: There was no need for tapping, analysis of their childhoods
or any other intervention. This was a typical example of how
the decency in people can reign supreme, once they know how
to express it in a way their partner appreciates. Give and take?
Sure. Compromise? Sure. Love? Definitely. It makes the world
go round.
|
Lawyer
vs Cop
A lawyer in London, England runs a stop sign and gets
pulled over by a Glasgow copper. He thinks that he is
smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON
and is certain that he has a better education then any
Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have
some fun at the Glasgow cop's expense!!
Glasgow cop says, 'License and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What for?'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at
the stop sign.'
London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete
stop. License and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, Ye huvte come to
a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration,
please!'
London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference
between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and
registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you
let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating
the heck out of the lawyer and says, 'Dae ye want me to
stop, or just slow doon?'
|
 Contributing
Columnist Dave Marshall is retired and lives in Spain. Before
his retirement he taught NLP (he's an NLP Master Trainer)
and now has a website with lots of free information on NLP.
You can contact Dave at www.nlpman.eu
_______________________________________
How
I Got to Go to Hawaii
by David Marshall
It
was August 1990, a long time ago! I had recently finished
my NLP Practitioner certificate and was contemplating whether
I should go on and take the Master Practitioner certificate.
I was thinking so hard about it because it would take six
months to complete, working and travelling at weekends and
would also cost a lot of money. Then I remembered the famous
poem by Goethe, "Begin it now," which, to paraphrase, says
that when you make a decision to take action "the universe
moves with you" and that reminded me of something that Richard
Bandler (co-founder of NLP) once said, "Provided you think
about it properly you can make it happen." A bit of a catch
22 that --if it doesn't happen you were not thinking about
it properly -- Ho Ho!
So I said to myself: I am going to attend a Master Practitioner
training next year. Well, in no time at all I saw an advertisement
for an intensive training, taking three weeks, being held
in Hawaii, in July the following year! So then I thought that
I would check out this NLP stuff by putting it to the test.
I started a Well-Formed outcome procedure - all appeared to
go OK. I then decided that I would get the company that I
worked for to pay for it - wow, unheard of - a three week
course, in Hawaii, in July, paid for by the Company? No way!
Well, that will certainly check out this NLP stuff.
I then thought about how I would explain to my boss what I
wanted to happen and after much concentrated thought I decided
upon the following key phrase, "I don't expect that you will
be able to pay for my attendance on a three week course in
Hawaii next year, from your budget so can we come to some
arrangement?" To my amazement he said we'll work something
out.
At the time I was running a course that involved well formed
outcomes and visualisation, so I thought how can I introduce
something that will help me get to Hawaii next year. The NLP
people say that the more realistic and detailed that you can
make the pictures in your mind the more chance you will have
of achieving it. So I set up a class exercise to help me achieve
my goal. The exercise was to define in terms of what would
I see, hear, and feel, when I got to Hawaii and it went like
this.
I asked the class what would I see when I got to Hawaii and
they would shout things like palm trees, grass skirts, hula
dancing, blue sky, sunshine, tropical flowers, hibiscus, coconuts,
etc. I wrote all this on a flip chart and stuck it on the
wall. Then we did the same for what I would hear - American
accents, Hawaiian music, cicadas, teachers talking, etc. Again
flip chart on the wall. Finally we did what would I feel -
hot, achievement, peacefulness, calm, excited, tired etc.
- flip cart, wall. This happened with 15 - 18 people once
a month. And my unconscious was taking it all in!!
I blanked out the dates in my diary and on my wall planner,
if anyone asked what I was doing in July I said that I would
be in Hawaii - I behaved totally as if it was decided.
During the next few months many things happened. It was a
tumultuous year, the Gulf war started and the company banned
all international travel, the exchange rate between the pound
and the dollar fell. This meant that the cost of going to
Hawaii actually became cheaper than attending the course in
England! I also had a new boss, who was not aware of my plans
and, on top of everything else, I was offered an early retirement
deal which meant I could easily afford go Hawaii - and the
company would have paid for it! I made all the necessary arrangements
and attended the course. It was a wonderful experience, so
good in fact that I went back the next year and the year after.
When I got back my new boss said, "What was the arrangement
about attending this course?" When I explained what had happened
he said "That's OK, submit your expenses and I will approve
them." I was totally amazed. The company paid again!!
So did the NLP stuff work? It certainly seems to. Of course
I could've used other methods but I used NLP and my goal was
achieved. To me the main thing that happened was that my behaviour
changed and I was able to see the advantages in the way the
world was changing that would enable me to reach my goal.
Instead of thinking that it would never happen, unconsciously,
I had changed to wondering how I could make it happen and
began to notice many more possibilities that became available.
Naturally there is a lot more behind this simple tale but
that's another story...
|
Frog
wants a Loan
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He
can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia
Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to
take a holiday."
 Patty
looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The
frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick
Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan
with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny
porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink
and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult
with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called
Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants
to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
 She
holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the
world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's
a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, his
old man's a Rolling Stone."
You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are...
Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!
|
 Contributing
Columnist Rehana Webster (in New Zealand) is an EFT Master and
NLP Master Practitioner, and also conducts seminars/workshops
internationally.
You
can contact Rehana at webstar@ps.gen.nz
or visit her website at www.behaviourchanges.com
Follow-Up
To My Accident
by Rehana Webster
Thanks
to EFT, I got through a horrific ordeal and two months of languishing
at home with my arm in a cast as heavy as the Titanic. Sure
didn't feel like leaping around. Didn't have the energy and
the general anesthetic didn't help. I felt weak and wobbly.
Many rounds of tapping were done on the numerous aspects of
what I was going through, including the physical trauma. I tapped
on:
-
worry about the loss of income for the next two months
-
the inability to do the simplest tasks like typing, tying
my shoelaces, dressing, showering, and driving
-
felt imprisoned in my own home
-
couldn't hold a thought for any length of time
-
constantly tired
-
in a lot of pain
I am so grateful to have this tool to help me in a real live
situation.
On February 13th when I fell off the ladder, the local doctor
wrapped my arm in splint and asked me to return on the 15th
which I did, and he promptly sent me off to the hospital in
Thames for an x-ray. He suspected the wrist was broken.
On February 29th I returned for a second x-ray, and hoped that
the new cast could be put on. This is when I received the bad
news. Even though the break was healing, the bones were not
aligned correctly and I would require surgery. This meant traveling
to the big hospital in Hamilton where such operations are done.
So, on March 1st I was wheeled into the operating room and under
general anaesthetic, my wrist was reset and wired up, so it
would be lined up correctly while it healed.
I tapped on all my fears while this drama was unfolding and
there were many fears to work on. What if I didn't come out
of the general anaesthetic? What if the surgeons were unable
to get the wrist straightened out? What if I was left with a
gimpy wrist????
On March 13th I was back having the cast removed at Thames.
Stitches were removed from wrist at the entry point of the wires.
A light weight fiberglass cast was put on and I got to choose
a hot pink color. Plenty of tapping done while watching the
stitches being removed! No statements were required. I was living
my trauma! I was right in the thought field of the trauma. I
was totally focused on it. As EFTers know, EFT works best when
"in" the emotion; when they are "feeling" it, and boy was I
feeling it!
On April 3rd after another x-ray at Thames showing the wrist
had healed beautifully, the cast was removed and the wires pulled
out. I left Thames with a light bandage on my arm.
During this whole time I took painkillers only twice, which
is incredible considering the major remake of my wrist and the
trauma of having it broken so it could be reset. I tapped regularly
on the pain and discomfort during this period. On the two occasions
I woke with intense burning feelings in my arm and could not
bring myself to do the tapping as I was beside myself in agony.
So I thankfully succumbed to drugs! Not bad for a 50 day marathon.
Physiotherapy began on April 9th. This was really an interesting
period for experimenting with tapping. Every exercise I was
given to improve flexibility and strength for my wrist worked
50% better when I tapped while performing the exercise. I would
try both ways, with and without tapping. The range of movement
was noticeably wider when I tapped.
I was amazed at the movement I achieved whilst tapping with
my right hand on the face points and stretching the left wrist.
The physiotherapist is amazed with the results and fast recovery,
and I'm delighted that I know EFT!
 Our
guest Contributing Columnist is Tom Dorzab. Tom is a retired
biologist from Kansas and now lives with his wife in Spain.
Tom followed his passion and is now an energy medicine practitioner
specializing in Eden Energy Medicine.
You
can contact Tom at tomdorzab@ya.com
Guidelines for Energy Testing
by Tom Dorzab
Energy
testing can be used is in determining substances that are good
or bad for us, including allergies and sensitivities, on any
given day. There are many methods used by various modalities
in substance testing. A basic test is to place a substance on
the solar plexus and energy test any muscle. The Spleen Meridian
muscle test however, performed with the arm held straight down
alongside the body with the thumb against the body and then
pulling the arm away from the body with fingers held just above
the wrist, may be the best meridian muscle test for substance
testing. A weak test indicates a substance has some harmful
effects. A strong test indicates either that the substance is
good for you or neutral. By beginning with a weak muscle, it
is possible to determine whether a substance is good for us.
There are a few ways to make the muscle weak before testing.
One way is to flutter the Spleen Meridian neurolymphatic point
located directly over the spleen area (below and slightly lateral
to the left breast). When a substance is tested using a weakened
muscle, if the test becomes stronger, it is an indication that
the substance is good for you. A weak test indicates the substance
is either bad for you or neutral.
Are there any guidelines for energy testing?
If you have an interest in trying energy testing out for yourself,
there are a few things you will want to keep in mind:
-
Before energy testing anything, you must first make certain
that the muscle you are using is suitable for use. A suitable
muscle must have the ability to be both strong or weak depending
on the results of the test. Some muscles have what are called
irregular energies. If the muscle you are working with has
irregular energies the test result may always being strong,
always being weak, be weak when it should be strong, be strong
when it should be weak or may give inconsistent results. While
there are several methods of confirming that a muscle is suitable,
one of the easiest and one of the most fun, is to energy test
someone who is telling the truth and then test when the person
is telling a lie. The test should be strong during the truth
and weak during the lie. Be careful though, because sometimes
something is partly true or partly false. Ask the person being
tested to say, my name is… (giving the real name) and then
say, my name is… (giving a false name). The test for the correct
name should be strong and weak for the false name. Be advised
though that occasionally, even if the muscle is suitable,
you can get a strong test for both (this brings up some very
interesting questions, but I'm not going there). If you get
a strong/strong test with the first names you try, be sure
to try another false name before assuming you need to work
with another muscle.
-
If the muscle is weak to start with, you can try tapping on
the 27th points of the Kidney Meridian located in the hollows
just below the knuckles of the collar bone at the base of
your neck.
-
Make sure both of you are well hydrated.
-
Avoid eye contact.
-
Both of you need to breathe.
-
Have no expectations as to the outcome.
-
Jewellery can sometimes be a problem. If you suspect it may
be problematic, remove it.
-
Clenched fingers need to be relaxed.
-
Heightened stress can be a problem. Try to relax. It may be
a good time for an EFT moment.
-
Don't stand too close to each other.
-
Don't push down too hard. It's also a good idea to start pushing
very lightly and increase the pressure once the person being
tested is ready. We're talking a split second here.
-
Both of you need to stay neutral as best you can. Try not
to think either positive or negative thoughts. If you want
to see how much we can affect other people's energies, try
this little experiment. While you are testing someone, try
thinking, I hate you or some other equally nasty thought and
then test. Then think, I love you and test. You will be amazed
at the results. You have a lot of power over the people around
you. Be responsible!
Can I test myself?
There are a number of techniques for self-testing. One test
people can use is called the human pendulum test. This can be
a great one for testing foods in the grocery store. Simply hold
the food on your midline around belly button level (I usually
act like I'm reading the label to avoid even more stares than
I normally get) while standing upright and let your body do
what it wants to do. I don't want to hear any reports from your
local police that some of you were arrested for running around
your grocery store in your birthday suits with the explanation
that Tom said I should do what my body wants to do. No, no,
no. What I mean is, if your body wants to gently sway forward
or gently sway backwards, let it. I also don't want to hear
any hospital reports about people with broken noses who, for
some strange reason, just fell forward in the salad section.
Again, no, no, no. When you feel yourself beginning to sway
forward or backward, that's enough. Usually, when people sway
forward, it means the substance is good for them and when they
sway backwards, it's bad. You may want to calibrate yourself
by asking a question with an obvious yes answer and observe
which direction you sway. You can also check yourself by asking
a friend to energy test something and then comparing those results
with your human pendulum results. Play with it and see what
happens.
Another simple thing you can do for a self test is to fill a
gallon milk container with water just to the point that you
can still hold it, with your arm straight and parallel to the
floor. If you are a weight lifter, you may need to get innovative
in finding a suitable container (maybe a 30 gallon trash can).
The object is to have just enough weight so that, if the muscle
goes weak, you can no longer hold the container up. You can
experiment with different amounts of water while telling the
truth and then telling a lie. Make sure you are both well hydrated
(sorry, it was there and I just couldn't help myself).
OK, now you have most of what you need to begin the process
of becoming experts in the world of energy testing. Like I said
before, practise, practise, practise is the only way to learn
the nuances of testing different people. While it's true that
there are some possible stumbling blocks you could run into
along the way, it is also true that many people have been energy
testing for a very long time with much less information than
you have now. So what's stopping you? Join the fun!
Berit's
Corner
Two
things happened recently. The other day a book arrived (recommended
by a friend) called The Intention Experiment, by Lynne
McTaggart. It looks like it's going to be a good read. The author
got my attention right off the when she wrote in the Introduction:
"The
Intention Experiment rests on an outlandish premise: thought
affects physical reality. A sizable body of research exploring
the nature of consciousness, carried on for more than thirty
years in prestigious scientific institutions around the world,
shows that thoughts are capable of affecting everything from
the simplest machines to the most complex living beings. This
evidence suggests that human thoughts and intentions are an
actual physical "something" with the astonishing power to
change our world. Every though we have is a tangible energy
with the power to transform. A thought is not only a thing;
a thought is a thing that influences other things."
Later that day Dave Marshall sent his article for the newsletter.
He wrote about his intention to get to Hawaii to attend an NLP
course. It's a good read and I recommend you try out what he
suggests. The way he went about getting to Hawaii fits in quite
nicely with what Lynne McTaggart (and many others) have written
about and are saying is true.
I've known for a long time that our thoughts affect us on many
different levels. I've also known that if I put something (a
thought) out there and really focus on it, I can make things
happen. One excellent example of that is Alex and I moving to
Spain. The idea started with a thought I had, "I wonder what
it would be like to live somewhere warm?" That thought lead
to doing research, which lead to visiting various countries
to discover if we liked them enough to move there, and then
finally making a decision on Spain, and then doing it.
Seems to me I have the part about having the thought and then
manifesting it into reality working quite well. But I have never
applied "intention" to my thoughts. Apparently adding your intent
to the thought makes it even more powerful! I want to try this
new concept (for me) out in the real world.
Currently my thoughts have been focussed on how to best market
our book. We could send it to Oprah (as many have suggested),
we could do joint ventures with others, we could hire a publicist...
the possibilities and choices are endless.
As I think about these options, I've now added the word "intent."
And, upon reflection, I realize my intent is to have as many
people as possible know the book exists. I'm sure once they
hear about it, or see a copy, they will want to read it. I also
believe strongly that the book can help people to lead happier
and healthier lives.
To help us spread the word, I'm asking for your help. It will
be a fun experiment we can try to see if "intent" really works.
It will be our own Intention Experiment. Here's my idea.
Could all of you please spend a minute thinking about our book,
at a certain time, on a certain day. As you think about the
book you may get a picture in your mind of the cover (it's so
lovely!) Or you may hear Alex's voice talking about the mind/body
connection, NLP or EFT (hearing his voice could be remembering
some article he's written for the newsletter). Or, you could
have a nice, warm feeling about Alex and you're proud of him
for writing the book.
Here's the cover to help you visualize 
As you see, hear or feel any of the above, add the following
to your thought,
"People
around the world would be pleased/happy
to know about Alex's book.
I'm sure it will help many people."
Now,
the important bit - please do this at
12:00 noon (your time wherever you are) on Sunday, May 4th
It will only take less than a minute to do. I really believe
that the combined power of many people having the same thought,
with the same intent, will have amazing results.
If by chance you forget to do it exactly at noon, don't worry
about it. Please do it whenever you remember any time during
the day... it's bound to be noon somewhere on the planet.
I haven't figured out a way to measure the success of our intention
experiment but I have a feeling that we'll find out soon enough
just how successful we were. When we start receiving emails
and/or phone calls from people around the world, we'll know
that they heard our message... somehow.
There is a possibility that some of you will think I've lost
my marbles and some of you won't. That's OK. I'm confident that
the readers of our newsletter are the kind of people that are
willing and eager to help us spread the word and be part of
a fun experiment!
REMEMBER
- 12:00 noon on May 4th -
have the thought... with the intention.
Let's see what happens! And, I'll let you know what the results
were next month.
Till
next month,
Take care.
|
Yesterday
I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. My blood
pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, and I'd gained
some weight, and I didn't feel so hot.
My
doctor said eating right doesn't have to be complicated
and it would solve my physical problems.
He
said just think in colours... Fill your plate with bright
colours... greens, yellows, reds, etc.
I
went right home and ate an entire bowl of:
And
sure enough, I felt better immediately. I never knew eating
right could be so easy.
|
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