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What
Causes Low Self Esteem? As many of you know, I had the pleasure of being interviewed on VoiceAmerica recently. Dr. Carol Look, the program host, has an intuitive grasp of her audience's interests, and chose self esteem as the topic for discussion. Her first question, "What causes low self esteem?" was a great place to start, and set the stage nicely for an interview that seemed to flow smoothly. Both of us remarked on how quickly the hour had gone by. Many thanks to those that listened in, as the flood of emails and phone calls were a delight to receive. A special "Thank You" to Shirley for calling in and providing some very energetic remarks! For those that missed the show, here is a synopsis of the discussion. To begin with, self esteem is the end result of an evaluation process, over time. This self evaluation will determine the "score" a person assigns to their performance in a variety of circumstances, situations and events they encounter in their daily lives. Self esteem therefore, is the end result of self judgment, and in my experience, that judgment and evaluation can be a tad harsh. Low self esteem,
which can be quantified by a variety of tests, is a major factor in
weight issues, lack of self confidence, business success (or lack of),
and more often than not, is the silent virus that infects relationships.
As there is such a long list of books written about the dire consequences
of having low self esteem, I won't dwell on that aspect here, but prefer
to guide you in a direction of what can be done about it. |
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To begin, one needs
a clear and reasonably precise understanding of what causes low self
esteem in order to do something about it, so let's start with that.
We think. We think about tons of stuff. One of those "things" we think about is our performance, our reactions in a variety of different situations. These thoughts then turn into chemistry, a language the body can understand. Negative thoughts, especially about self, produce negative signals to the body. We end up feeling "bad." Even though feeling bad is really a feedback loop, that is the body in turn signals our awareness about the consequences of these messages, we misconstrue this feedback, and send even more negative signals right back to the body. One way some find to "feel better," to interrupt this cybernetic loop is to misuse alcohol (self medicate). Others turn to food. Again, one can continue to dwell on the consequences of low self esteem, or they can loop back to:
Now, once you do that, then the question becomes, "Okay, what can I do about this habit of beating myself up to the point that I feel bad, uncomfortable, unworthy, non-deserving, etc., etc.?" The answer is to cancel the thoughts. Delete them. Stop doing it. Change your mind. Be kinder to YOU. OK, you might say, and now the question becomes How? Wait for the drum roll please... and.... Enter EFT! Begin by setting aside some segment of time daily to evaluate or notice your thoughts, form a sentence that describes the negative thought, and using the setup words, begin tapping the PR point. For example: "Even though I tell myself I really screwed up (describe situation), I deeply and completely accept myself." Repeat this setup phrase three times. Then, starting with the eyebrow point, tap each point of the basic recipe using a reminder phrase derived from the problem's description. Sometimes, you may have to do several rounds on a stubborn negative thought, so perseverance is the key here. Other times, the unwanted thought simply disappears, or is reduced to a level deemed inconsequential. Now move onto the next thought, and so on for the time you feel best. Make this a daily practise, and soon you will begin to enjoy the results of increased self esteem. Be warned, however. This daily practise will result in a cybernetic loop, that is you will feel better, which gives rise to more pleasant thoughts, which in turn produces more feel better, and you just may put the self help authors out of business! Of course, they
can always switch to writing books about how to be a better servant
to your cat, or how to let your dog train you to be a good master, so
things will carry on as always. You will just feel better, overall,
daily, and enjoying yourself now is a small penalty to pay for all the
work you did, isn't it?
New Contributing Columnist We are pleased to announce that Rehana Webster in New Zealand will be a regular Contributing Columnist to our newsletter. Rehana is an EFT and NLP Practitioner, and also conducts seminars/workshops internationally. She has a wonderful sense of humour, and we're pleased to call her a friend, as well as a colleague. You can contact Rehana at webstar@ps.gen.nz or visit her website at www.behaviourchanges.com
Depression
- Fear of an early death "David"
We tapped on his surgery, his heart, his arteries, the plaque, the cholesterol, the emotional components of his present state, the physical state of his body, and the implications of all these things on his future. By far, his biggest concern was not living to see his children grow, become teenagers, watch them flirt with boys, and one day marry. He wanted to be there for them and enjoy all the wonderful events to come in their lives. Therefore we spent a fair bit of time tapping on David's fear of dying, and used the following statements for setup:
After addressing all these aspects, David was ready to look at new beliefs about his future. New beliefs needed to be installed and one way to do this is to address David's time line. Time Line is a concept of an internal memory storage of how we unconsciously store our memories, or how we unconsciously know the difference between a memory from the past and a projection of the future. Behavioral change in an individual takes place at an unconscious level. The Time Line process (an NLP technique)allows us to work at the unconscious level and release the effects of past negative experiences and change "inappropriate" programming in minutes rather than days, months, or years. What was on David's time line? His death was directly in front of him! He could not see beyond his death. With his permission we constructed a time line. I asked him to imagine his future in front of him like a road, and widening out at the horizon instead of narrowing. I asked him to imagine the horizon high up towards the ceiling instead of the same level as his eyes. I asked him to close his eyes and relax while keeping the image of the time line in front of him. During this entire process I tapped on his gamut and karate chop points alternately. I asked David to imagine floating up from his chair and slowly moving above his time line till he reached the end. Then to turn around and look back from the future at himself seated a long way away, in the present. I asked him to imagine the flags (goals) moving and re-
positioning themselves on top of his time line. There was one flag I wanted him to notice in particular towards the horizon of his time line. It had the number 80 on it!
David cracked up. With his eyes closed, his face glowing like his red flag markers he kept chuckling away. I asked him to notice all the other flags and what they might represent to him…like 21st birthdays, marriages, birth of grand children, etc., and whatever else he wanted to notice. Finally I asked him to drop back in his seated position and open his eyes when he was ready. His comments to me were: "You are so sneaky! You wanted me to see that flag with the number 80 on it… live till 80, see my family grow up, marry and have children! Yes, I can see myself doing that! I can see that 80 marker on my time line and I find it compelling… something to live towards and all those wonderful experiences to have between now and 80!" David and his wife reported that the depression had lifted, and disappeared. David has found a renewed reason to enjoy his life. He feels very good about the number 80! This session took
place in 1999. It was the last one of four sessions. David is alive
and well.
Letter
from an EFT Newbie Good Morning Berit and Alex! I just thought I would let you know about this incredible experience I had a few days ago. I gave a short presentation at a business network meeting. It was a total flop. While I was at the meeting the thoughts that went through my mind were how stupid I was. Here I was a recent Toastmaster winner at the division level and I couldn't even speak for a minute without forgetting half of what I wanted to say, and saying the other half sounding like a total idiot. When I had come into the meeting, people had been very nice to me and I talked casually about what I do and felt good about the whole thing. Very soon after starting my presentation I saw that people were not interested in what I had to say, and the sense of rejection I felt was awful! I hightailed out of there and went home to nurse my wounds. Soon after I started experiencing a return of CFS (Chronic Fatigue) symptoms. I was diagnosed with CFS in 1999 and spent two years gluing myself back together. The symptoms were lots of fatigue, pain, some dizziness and a terrible sense of failure and loss of control. My energy plummeted and although I had been very active up till then, I was now frozen, and doubting myself about everything. I started tapping right away on all the feelings this event brought about:
I connected some dots: When I was diagnosed with CFS in 1999 it was after a few months of teaching a class (I always thought of myself as a good teacher). Suddenly I felt I was losing control, I thought nothing was working, I felt humiliated and rejected by the students. I felt I wasn't good enough, I doubted myself, and experienced a great sense of failure. I tapped on everything related to these feelings and negative beliefs. I also gave myself permission to rest and follow my inner guidance. I also tapped for renewed energy and BINGO! I am back on track feeling renewed energy and a sense of well being!!! Amazing results! I recounted the 1 minute flop to my fellow Toastmasters and was able to have good laugh about it!!! I have been doing EFT with friends and nutrition clients and I find the whole approach amazing. I am interested in the advanced levels of EFT and look forward to applying to become an EFT Master in a few years! I have worked with 16 people already and I am keeping a journal of my interventions Thank you again for introducing me to such a wonderful technique!
The month of June was a blast! We did so many things, met many new people and had a lot of fun. On our way to the flea market to buy flowers for my garden one Sunday (I love flea markets), we got to talking about our car. We have a trusty old Subaru wagon that Alex has named the "Doggie Mobile." The poor thing is really old. At that precise moment we were driving past a Subaru dealership... it was 7:30am and the lot was closed. This was perfect because we could wander around and not have to talk to anyone. There just happened to be an Outback sitting there with a sign that said, "Buy Me!" We came back later in the day and bought it! For those of you that know us, and have read about our antics over the years in our newsletter, you know this is perfectly "normal" for Alex and Berit. Go buy flowers and on the way just happen to also buy a car. Years ago we were on our way to buy a bed, and just happened to spot a car dealership and went in and bought a new car. There was also the time were on the way to a baseball game, and just happened to see a For Sale sign on this darling little house with a HUGE backyard for the doggies... we bought the house. What's really cool is that we usually do something crazy like that around my birthday so I consider myself a lucky girl indeed... I get great birthday presents! During the course of the weekend we met many great people... Indy from London, England, Tom from New York, Valentyna, Alex and Lavana from Calgary. They all had nice things to say about Alex's talk, how could I not think they were great people :-) Several people said they will be attending our Mind/Body Connection workshop in September so some of you may get to meet them as well. Writing about some
of the stuff we did in June somehow brought back some of the exhaustion
I felt at times... it was a hectic, crazy and most of all, fun month!
And, now I'm out of energy. I'm looking forward to summer... I'll talk
to my plants to make sure they are healthy and happy, hopefully get
some sunshine, and take it easy.
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David
is a successful businessman and consulting geologist. He was referred
to me by his wife, as he had been depressed for a couple of years following
his heart surgery. At the age of 40 he required a triple by-pass. This
was his source of depression because he felt he was going to die early,
just like his father. The most distressing aspect for David to think
about was that he would not be around for his young children. David
and Vanessa had two little girls aged 2 and 4.
Next
I asked him to imagine he had future goals and work in an 'as if' frame
(another NLP technique). So, even if he didn't know what his goals were,
he was to just imagine that there were some. I asked him how the unknown
goals were represented, and he said 'little red flags'. So we had these
little red flags scattered all along his future time line.
These
brought on all kinds of old beliefs which I thought long ago had been
buried:
Berit's
Corner
Speaking
of presents... on my birthday Alex gave a three hour introduction talk
on the Mind/Body Connection during the weekend workshop presented by
Steve Wells and David Lake from Australia. The feedback from the audience
was wonderful. You could feel the people's enthusiasm and energy, which
in turn bounced back to Alex, and gave him even more energy! We all
had a great time. It seems people are hungry for this information, and
that's good because it's Alex's favourite subject. I'm sure he would
have talked till midnight if we'd let him!
Also,
during that weekend, we had dinner with Steve and David and heard a
little bit about life in Australia. We all speak the same language...
sort of :-) and our countries share a mutual British heritage, so I
assumed we would be somewhat similar in customs and culture, but that's
not necessarily so. I found it fascinating to hear how different our
countries are, and Alex and I had a very enjoyable evening with the
"lads from Down Under" explaining the differences to us. Alex did the
Internet radio interview with Dr. Carol Look in New York, and they both
had a lot of fun. Thank you to everyone that listened in, and especially
to Shirley for calling in.
There
was a man who had worked all of his life, saved all his money,
and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before
he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take
all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take
my money to the after life with me."
"You
mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!"
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(C) 2005 - Dr. Alexander R. Lees & Associates Inc.